His Journal
by Little Red1
Summary: Taito...just read it


*note* Disclaimer and Authors note at bottom..this is Taito^^*note*  
  
  
Journal-  
  
...now that I have found someone_I'm feeling more alone_Then I ever have before...  
"Brick" Bens-fold-five  
  
I don't love him.   
  
When I'm away from him I build up his presence in my mind until I have this wonderfully idealistic picture of him. It's that picture I'm in love with. When I'm away from him, I die. I go in to withdrawal and I only have that perfect image to keep me company, and so I fall in love all over again. I fall so hard that I can't stand to be away a second longer, so I call him, or maybe I get someone to drive me to his house just so I can satisfy this need. It's always gone by the time I see his face, any trace of love, affection, obsession...it's just us again. Best friends. I could talk about this for hours. I also wanted this entry to have some structure, or at least a coherent train of thought, but nothing makes sense right now, so why should my own mindless banter.   
  
Still, I can't stop thinking about him, my mind is plagued with constant wandering thoughts of Tai. I wake from dreams of Tai, only to think about him all day. We have this class together, right? Today I was so close to kissing him, just walking up to him and throwing him against one of the walls in the storage room. Everyone had left the room, I had my chance...I've had so many chances. Funny thing is, I'm not afraid of rejection, I'm afraid of the aftershock. I know I'll regret it, just because of the off chance our friendship will be ruined. "..ruin our friendship." Damn that phrase, it's a stupid sentence. It's not even a sentence, it's a fragment...I think. I hate that so many things can remain undone just because everyone is so afraid of losing their precious friends. Yeah, I'm a hypocrite...deal.   
  
You know what? I'm not even physically attracted to Tai. He's not exactly cute. That wild mass of untamable brown hair, those eyes...they're nothing special. Just warm brown eyes, that twinkle when he gets a good idea, and are completely easy to read. I can always tell when something is wrong with Tai. He takes on this "beaten puppy dog" voice. I have to harass him into telling me what's wrong, and when he does, I'm completely unsympathetic. That's just the way it is, it's not like I don't care, because I do. I just don't like to see Tai wallow in his own misery. I can ice fish in mine, but Tai has to be warm, sunny and bright; if only to keep me from falling through the ice.   
  
My mind hasn't even begun to face the fact that Tai is a boy and so am I. It doesn't like the idea of analyzing itself. I don't like that idea either. There are no other boys. There is only Tai.   
  
My gods can beat up your gods...one of my friends said that. I'm not sure what he meant.  
  
That reminds me...I had another chance tonight. It was like God was sending me a sign, handing me Tai on a silver platter with a big red bow in his hair. (Hmmm...his hair would look pretty with a big red bow in it.) Once again we were alone, walking on a dark street up by his house, I *was* going to tell him that I like him...but then my cell phone rang and it was Dad telling me I had to go pick up Tk from a friends house. There is always something, and I can never find the words for what I need to say.   
  
It's not my fault that I'm an overtly feminine 16 year old boy with longish blond hair and hordes of *female* admirers...makes you wonder about them, ne? I mean...isn't it obvious that I'm a...shall we say, "switch-hitter". Oh I just don't care anymore...let them have their fun. This entry is going no where, I hate this stupid Scibble thing. I don't feel any better, life still sucks and I still have to find a way to dump Mimi...God, why does it have to be Tai? Why to we have to be so comfortable around each other? Why can we joke about this constantly but never actually make anything of it? Why do I have to keep calling it 'this'? I love Tai, I can only pray that Tai may love me too.  
  
"Tonight I lit a candle_burnt my fingers in the flame  
I can't imagine life will ever be the same."  
  
Yamato Ishida  
March 24, 2001  
  
  
Authors Note: I'm depressed.   
For you Ken....you see this however you would like to see it.  
I don't own Matt or Tai...I would like to own Davis, or at least some of his hair.  
The line at the bottom was written by me...but I seems everything I write lately is plagiarized, it's a sickness. Essays, they destroy me. So do terrible, horrible, no good, very bad boy friends. 


End file.
